Going RAH

I need to go rah... I have no-one to talk to about this, so I am letting it out in words.

I have tried this week to be more relaxed at work, to not care as much... to do the work that is needed to get by, to fundamentally disconnect.

Here is what I have learned about myself in that process...

I cannot pretend I do not care about what I work on, for truth betold I care too much.

I cannot sit and lounge around all day, quite frankly I find it unstimulating and a total waste of my time.

I cannot be 'naughty' - take longer lunch breaks, talk to people all day in the office. Its not that I am a goody two shoes, its just that it goes against something in me that says.. Maz, you are not acting at your best.

I cannot be satisfied with average work even though it may actually be success for the status quo. Because at the end of the day, I am my own harshest critic, and I know when I have and have not worked at my potential.

I cannot socialise all the time, when I am total in a task I completely log off to all the world, and people. Sometimes I just plain want to get things done, and achieve something - to actually have an impact.

I am more results and achievement oriented than I ever imagined, and working towards the bigger picture is the most fundamental part of the equation.

But what is the biggest thing that I have learned about myself this week? To accept these things as part of who I am, and to not be apolegetic about them. So I care too much, so I want to do something important.... I know that in my life these are the qualities that I will need to bring out more to make my organisation vision a reality. And I am starting to see the pre-conditions that I need to be at my best, so now I can look out for those in my future employment and life options.

I know that in this posting I have alot of 'I' - I feel this, I feel that....but another thing I realised today is that being in this job has really intensified my personal learning. I knew I was goal oriented, but I had no idea how important that was to me, that sense of achievement before coming here.

I knew that I loved working in AIESEC because it is a stimulating and inspiring environment, but I could not imagine that by coming to this role in Canada I would be placed in the absolute opposite organisational culture scenario.

I knew that I was a work-a-holic, but I had no idea how important the work that I do is to the quality of life that I have.

So I guess, coming here has been positive because it has highlighted to me who I am, what I love, what is important to me... and although it has been an up and down experience, at the end of the day it has been a worthwhile one.

Wow... it feels so good to get that all out of my head. I feel much better now not going rah to someone but finding another avenue to vent my frustrations.

Time to let go, and have some dinner.