Creating Spaces

Instead of thinking about how I would like to entertain people, to create a nice atmosphere and wishing I could be someplace else other than a bank ...

I have recently tried a new approach:

What if I thought of where i work as a place where I could create spaces to entertain people...

hmmmm

Motivating Idea.

and so comes...

* Aussie Trivia for Floor 6
* Random Lollie runs around the Office
* Free vouchers for Maz songs, etc on peoples monitors.
* Couchtime

and it's... WORKING!

Well who would have thought...?!?!

Powerless

I hate the feeling of upsetting someone, of not knowing why you upset them, of not having them tell you why they are upset, of wishing that you only knew what was upseting them.

In these situations I feel upset and powerless.

I cannot change what I do not know.

Or should I know?

It's all upsetting, especially when I care about the other person.

Alive & Kicking

You know you have had a good weekend, when you arrive at work early on a Monday morning and you are ABSOLUTELY KNACKERED!

What made this weekend so good for me?

* Ran an Aussie Trivia for my floor at work on Friday, and it was really really motivating. It got such a good reception that people want to do it each week !!!!

* Work Drinks on Friday night - connecting with new colleagues

* Chris from Austria had his farewell party which was awesome fun!

* Bergio arrived on Saturday - and it was if no time has passed between us!

* Also caught up with Taco, Lanchanie and Rickesh at my party which was wicked with a capital W.

* Sunday was spent in the sun and recovering

SO amazing to see old friends like Bergio and Marty/Taco and know that time may pass, but the connection stays - and maybe even feels so familiar that it intensifies. Talking to Bergio and Taco was like talking to family, these people know me... the good and the bad, and that in itself is such a comforting feeling.

Well off to go and rest!

Funny to think...

So....

• On this day three years ago I was in Sydney, celebrating with close friends & family
• On this day two years ago I was in mid-air on the plane for my first living experience abroad
• On this day 1 year ago I was in Copenhagen, in the middle of a Presidents Meeting and about to leave for London
• On this day, this year I am celebrating it with colleagues and a Austrian friend who is having a farewell party tonight in The Netherlands!!!

Funny thinking about a day, and reflecting on what it means for you.

Where you have come from...
Where you are...
Where you are going...
Where you belong...
What you will do...

Just a day.

Host Curse

To be honest, I enjoy organising social activities and events. I get alot of joy from bringing people together and alot of energy from people when I am around them.

Under most circumstances I find it highly motivating; and thoroughly invigorating.

But sometimes, it is the worst thing EVER!

I mean yesterday was a fine example. I organised for a group of people to come over, but I was SOOO down from work, that what I longed for was time alone. But I knew that I had to have people over, and the thought of cancelling it at the last minute was not even an option.

It's strange, being host I find it to be my responsibility to make sure everyone is having a good time

But how do you do that, when you feel empty yourself on the inside?

How do you entertain people? Make them laugh? Create a positive atmosphere?

I actually think last night I was quite successful at doing this - I kept my mask up pretty well, and only a few times did my true emotional state show.

I found myself making frequent trips to my bedroom and the bathroom to 'organise stuff' - just to get some much needed maz grounding time.

Last night I realised, that there is nothing worse than not expressing your true feelings, and as soon as everyone left I turned to my roomie and just let it all out. All the days frustrations, all my emotions that my birthday is bringing up.... I simply needed to let it out.

My roomie is like : Maz, just cancel if you are feeling bad.

Maz, just say you are feeling sick

Funny that I did not even really consider these options...

The Power of One on One

Last night I caught up with Sarika, in the centre.

We simply got some wok noodles, and sat on the stairs.

And...

talked for a few hours.

I had forgotten the power of simply catching up withs someone on an individual level.

Okan from Turkey

okan, originally uploaded by Mazzy.

Marcio from Brazil

marcio, originally uploaded by Mazzy.

My Roomie

chingyin, originally uploaded by Mazzy.

Ching-yin from Canada or as I call her Mami!!!

Tanja from Macedonia

tanja, originally uploaded by Mazzy.

Simona from Romania

simona, originally uploaded by Mazzy.

Black Communication Hole

Black Communication Hole, originally uploaded by Mazzy.

Absolute Evidence

francis, originally uploaded by Mazzy.

That I did see Francis, albeit for 2 hours... as usual driving the party atmosphere I can see!!!

Beer Open

Beer_Open_006, originally uploaded by Mazzy.

So on the weekend, Brazil hosted a 'Beer Open'. I will not get into the details, but needless to say it was a long night (especially since I only arrived at it at 2am!!! LONG STORY)

Anyway, here is Mic(Irish) whom I work with and Guga, another trainee at ABN AMRO from Brazil

Haarlem

Guga & Sarika, originally uploaded by Mazzy.

Sarika Statue, originally uploaded by Mazzy.

Guga on fire!, originally uploaded by Mazzy.

Sarika & Mazzy, originally uploaded by Mazzy.

Mazzy & Guga Kangoroo, originally uploaded by Mazzy.

Weekend of Power AHEAD!

So...

This weekend I am seeing ...

TOM
BERGIO
FRANCES

ALL in one weekend.

Could it get any better than that?

Connection

Isn't it amazing how, in a single moment - you can connect with someone who you have previously dismissed/not noticed/forgotten....

That a single word, question, thought in common can bring a sense of familiarity.

It is heartening :-)

Australia v Germany - Showdown Time!!!

So the heat is on...

I am wearing the Aussie flag tonight in the first round conferderation soccer, ahem.... football, match of Australia v Germany.

One of my German friends here has invited me and some others over to watch the showdown.

I must admit that I am not much of a 'footy' fan, but I must confess, that I am more than happy to cheer the Aussies on :-)

I mean, we can beat Germany, SURELY!!

Pondering

"I want to break free.
I want to break free.
Oh how I want to break free, oh I want to break free."

This is my song of the moment.

I am trying. I really am trying to get into the culture here, but I feel so much like a circle trying to fit into a square hole. (as someone recently said to me which resignated strongly)

No matter how hard I try I don't fit.

And I am trying, really I am.

So what are the mismatches between me and the ABN AMRO culture?

Mazzy; Loud
Culture; Quiet

Mazzy; Likes working with people
Culture; Individual and Independent

Mazzy; Hates sitting for hours in front of a computer
Culture; Computers are the name of the game... every second, every minute... you had better become friends with it

Mazzy; LOVES colour
Culture; Try and spot the colours in the lunchroom - its a fun activity

So what am I doing?

Well trying to be some catalyst of change.

• I am organising a Talent Charity Night for the bank where employees can show their talents, and at the same time people can watch with all money going to a good cause in Amsterdam.
• I am organising a party for my floor and getting some of the other girls on board, so that people can build social rapport and at the very least put a face with a name
• I am starting the day with RAHs with Mic, eg going up to level 24 for random line dancing
• I am trying to have personal conversations with people... get them to open up outside of work conversations which I am practically up to my ears with
• I have joined the personal leadership and change community
• I have volunteered with a few other colleagues for work in the community
• I am submitting an application for the International Committee of the Young Bankers Association to organise global synergies, conferences etc

I really am trying...I have spoken to my boss also about it.

But all that said, I still very much have the feeling that I am a circle, that this is a box.

Actually one of my colleagues asked me the other day - Mazzy, what are you doing here?
I said... "well, its a good learning experience"

Which it definatel, definately is....

To which she responded, "I really don't think you belong here"

"Really? Where do you see me working then?" - I curiously asked.

After a moments thought ...

'With people... I mean really with people ALL of the time. Not just one or two hours.... but ALL the time. Making people laugh, entertaining them. Yes, I see you as an entertainer Mazzy - thats what you should do. Something where you can entertain people all the time - not in front of a computer all day"

Entertainment - so we are back to that again....surprise, surprise that is actually what gives me the most joy.

So what, am I doing here then?
And why am I always asking myself the same questions?
Am I really scared of pursuing my dream?
Am I only following the safe path, knowing in my heart of hearts that it is somehow not where I should be?
I do have a higher purpose than this right?
I feel like there is so much more I could contribute?
Am I only paying lip service to my passions?
Will I be 40 and thinking? How did I get here? What happened to my dreams?
Am I the one making my path, or is my path making me?
Do I ask myself too many questions?
Am I making any sense?
Am I too idealistic? Do I need to become 'more real' as some people have told me?
Or am I not idealistic enough?
What happened to the spark that I used to feel getting up for work?
Will I feel that again?
How can I get it back?
How can I get back me?
I feel like I am losing myself... or am I really finding myself?
Why are there sooooo many continual questions?

I think I need to book a date with myself tonight to think.
Me, candles, a note book, and my thoughts.... they are the order of the day.

The Escapist

I remember when I was living in Montreal, a close friend of mine told me:

'Mazzy, you are SUCH an escapist!"

Naturally ataken back, I asked her why she would think such a thing, since it is not a quality I identified within myself.

"Well, everytime you are going through a rough patch, or you are having a down day, you address the situation by escaping to the movies..."

Interesting. Apparently this person knows me pretty well.

And so I started to become more aware of my actions after this announcement - and true as can be, everytime I feel a little down, my natural urge is to go to the cinema. Its like I have a beeper that pulls me towards the movies when I am in certain emotional states.

So, why do I have these urges?

For me going to the movies, is like going to an old friend.

The smell of the popcorn, the anticipation for the upcoming film, the observing of others in the waiting areas, the thrill I get as I sit down on the seat and embrace myself for the experience ahead...

All of these things give me energy, give me a certain happy feeling.

Each time that I sit down in my seat - I feel a smile breaking out, and a sense of excitement. I am in a Mazzy place.

Often I even prefer to go to the movies alone. For certain movies, I want to take the time afterwards to digest the messages, and the personal impact on me i.e Hotel Rwanda is a good example of this - I could not imagine seeing it with others. No no, its an alone movie.

Actually, one of the most amazing discoveries that I have made in Amsterdam is a little art house movie cinema near my house. It is from the 1800s and still in the same style as it would have been then. YOu cannot get popcorn, but you can have hot chocolates, tea and coffee in the movies which is pretty awesome. Sometimes I just walk in as I am going home, to really get the spirit of the place :-)

I love it.

So I guess its strange to think it would be escapism. It probably is... but I prefer to think that maybe, just maybe I was a famous actress in the 1800s, and thats why it feels so much like home.

I mean, its plausible right?

Or maybe I am just being more of an escapist again.

You have gotta love Friday work drinks

One of the best things about working for a large organisation with actual money to spend is the Friday Work Drinks. And, boy oh boy, does this definately hold true for ABN AMRO.

Every Friday all the trainees, and affiliated people meet at the Head Office for really amazingly subsidised alcoholic beverages and free snacks.

I must admit, it is something that really motivates me on a Friday.

The thought of meeting up with some cool people, talking to colleagues in a setting outside of the office (and to which I actually feel more in my element), drinking lovely Rose wine for like 80 euro cents and having some amazing amazing times.

Usually afterwards we catch something to eat, and then go out dancing/partying.

I love all of this little ritual.

Definately 'Good times, good times'.

Satisfied

There is just something about seeing a document you created come out on nice shiny colour paper that makes you feel satisfied. Seeing it on the computer screen is NEVER as good.

Maz, what's up?

Ok, so I am not as rampant on my blog as what i used to be... namely because I am busier at work now, and I do not have home internet.

Also when I am away from a computer, I really do not want to reunite with it again. Under any circumstances at all.

BUT just to give a little bit of an update - some of the cool stuff thats been going on with me...

* Amsterdam Camping Weekend

Last weekend a large group of the trainees and new members in AIESEC Amsterdam, went camping, and it was AWESOME! Seriously, outdoor sports, good conversations, a mega party. Could you ask for anything more?

* Monday Dinner & Pub

Went to dinner with a group of cool people on Monday, and then to the weekly Amsterdam Pub Night.

* Marias Birthday

Happy Birthday to the lovely Maria Farres. Good Times, Good Times.

* Wei Time

Caught up with Wei Jian last night for dinner and a mega life chat. Loved every minute of it.

Ok, that was really brief but it gives you an idea!

Me

I FEEL AT HOME...

- In a pair of worn out jeans
- In bright coloured shirts
- In the movie cinema
- On the Beach watching the Ocean
- In a candlelight room with wine and good friends
- Listening to Jazz, Broadway or Queen music
- Swimming, in the water
- In the warmth of the Sun

I DON'T FEEL AT HOME...

- In a black/grey business suit or any suit for that matter
- Running :-)
- In the colder climates
- In a stiff corporate environment

Was thinking about this on the way walking to work this morning!

Have Money, Willing to Travel...

So now I have my card with money all I want to do is book trips across the different countries in Europe...

Any ideas?
Suggestions?
Anyone know amazing specials that are happening at the moment?

Let me know, I am ready to JET JET JET!!!!

Leaving Dodge-ville

FINALLY...

I am leaving the self-proclaimed 'dodge-ville' student accomodation where I am currently living.

I am moving into an ACTUAL apartment that is not reminiscent of the prison where I currently reside.

And I am SO HAPPY!!

A new home, a place I actually want to go to...... NOW I am starting to feel more settled in Amsterdam.

Life is starting to take shape :-)

Congrats Kimbo!!!

I am so excited at the moment.

Kimbo is coming to Belgium on an Inbev Traineeship!!!

Gosh, SOOOOOO happy we will only be a few hours away!!!

YAY!

Europe keeps getting better and better!!!

Byron Bay Boy

Andy
Originally uploaded by Mazzy.

So, I got a postcard the other day from my old MC buddie, and good friend Andrew.

My partner in Passion Pop crimes in Sydney ;-)

Babe, thank you so much for your thoughtfulness... and you are moving to Sydney... WOO HOO!!

BUT WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO USE YOUR MOUNTAINS OF CASH AND COME TO EUROPE??

HEY HEY????

Hello, can I speak to Maja?

Maja
Originally uploaded by Mazzy.

IN PARIS!!!

Had the best conversation with my Polish sister yesterday who I miss DEARLY!

I say sister, because for me she is more than a friend. She is someone that I have shared so much with, and knows me more than almost anyone.

Just like family.

Warts and All.

Love you babe. I cannot wait to come and visit you soon in PARIS!!!