Pondering

"I want to break free.
I want to break free.
Oh how I want to break free, oh I want to break free."

This is my song of the moment.

I am trying. I really am trying to get into the culture here, but I feel so much like a circle trying to fit into a square hole. (as someone recently said to me which resignated strongly)

No matter how hard I try I don't fit.

And I am trying, really I am.

So what are the mismatches between me and the ABN AMRO culture?

Mazzy; Loud
Culture; Quiet

Mazzy; Likes working with people
Culture; Individual and Independent

Mazzy; Hates sitting for hours in front of a computer
Culture; Computers are the name of the game... every second, every minute... you had better become friends with it

Mazzy; LOVES colour
Culture; Try and spot the colours in the lunchroom - its a fun activity

So what am I doing?

Well trying to be some catalyst of change.

• I am organising a Talent Charity Night for the bank where employees can show their talents, and at the same time people can watch with all money going to a good cause in Amsterdam.
• I am organising a party for my floor and getting some of the other girls on board, so that people can build social rapport and at the very least put a face with a name
• I am starting the day with RAHs with Mic, eg going up to level 24 for random line dancing
• I am trying to have personal conversations with people... get them to open up outside of work conversations which I am practically up to my ears with
• I have joined the personal leadership and change community
• I have volunteered with a few other colleagues for work in the community
• I am submitting an application for the International Committee of the Young Bankers Association to organise global synergies, conferences etc

I really am trying...I have spoken to my boss also about it.

But all that said, I still very much have the feeling that I am a circle, that this is a box.

Actually one of my colleagues asked me the other day - Mazzy, what are you doing here?
I said... "well, its a good learning experience"

Which it definatel, definately is....

To which she responded, "I really don't think you belong here"

"Really? Where do you see me working then?" - I curiously asked.

After a moments thought ...

'With people... I mean really with people ALL of the time. Not just one or two hours.... but ALL the time. Making people laugh, entertaining them. Yes, I see you as an entertainer Mazzy - thats what you should do. Something where you can entertain people all the time - not in front of a computer all day"

Entertainment - so we are back to that again....surprise, surprise that is actually what gives me the most joy.

So what, am I doing here then?
And why am I always asking myself the same questions?
Am I really scared of pursuing my dream?
Am I only following the safe path, knowing in my heart of hearts that it is somehow not where I should be?
I do have a higher purpose than this right?
I feel like there is so much more I could contribute?
Am I only paying lip service to my passions?
Will I be 40 and thinking? How did I get here? What happened to my dreams?
Am I the one making my path, or is my path making me?
Do I ask myself too many questions?
Am I making any sense?
Am I too idealistic? Do I need to become 'more real' as some people have told me?
Or am I not idealistic enough?
What happened to the spark that I used to feel getting up for work?
Will I feel that again?
How can I get it back?
How can I get back me?
I feel like I am losing myself... or am I really finding myself?
Why are there sooooo many continual questions?

I think I need to book a date with myself tonight to think.
Me, candles, a note book, and my thoughts.... they are the order of the day.